After Death, I Feel Closer to my Dad than Ever

by Amora Sun, MA, CCC, CCC-S

A couple of months ago I went to Calgary, Alberta, to explore a technical and creative resiliency/rebuilding program hosted by the Grand Theatre downtown. About 10 days before, my partner and I were in Banff for a medical conference (him), and I took an expert witness parenting evaluation forensic investigator training for clinical counsellors and psychologists wanting more experience in forensic evaluations for families going through high-conflict divorce, in cases of child abuse and family violence.

I was oddly relieved during my first 4 days of the training, it was all so familiar. Anchored in the same theoretical underpinnings that leant my private practice in Northern Canada for the past 7 years such continued success, I felt sane, like I wasn’t the only one, and anchored in research-backed interventions.

We therapists are both creative and analytical, however the forensic psychologist in me must be more of the latter to be successful, and considered credible, by the mighty powers of the courts.

My conundrum, and at the same time, incredible strength, has always hinged upon the keen awareness that these judges and police officers and court reporters, etc. often come to me in private practice, seeking help in navigating their own family violence situations. People are so incredibly fragile, and brilliant, foolish, deceitful hungry ghosts while at the same time, act as venerable saintly gods and goddesses.

So, you see, I cannot remain completely analytical because those human analytics don’t track; the calculus is simply too variable. I must out-create the man who wishes to stalk and intimidate and humiliate me into submission in order to retain the illusory power and control he seeks when I confront the reality of what’s happened to his family in his wake.

Something I’ve had to come to accept, however begrudgingly, is that so many people prefer to operate on autopilot, lean into their denial, and find peace in pretending things aren’t as bad as they appear. I can’t do this, and so have continued to press and pursue things to their logical conclusions, but at times I too regret not taking the easy way out, remaining numb and cut-off from myself in favour of more company. We all need company, and the more specialized and expert you become, sometimes the more cut-off from others you feel and are.

I stay connected to my profession and clinical counselling peers through offering training, ongoing quality, supportive and empowering supervision to those requiring more counselling education to meet credit hours for certification in their respective provinces or territories. You can review my supervision program offerings at my website: www.recreationhealing.ca

And yet, I’m not alone. There are plenty of people who have had hard experiences with their family of origin, renewed their faith in humanity through some powerful mechanism outside of themselves, and begun again. For many years, acting “as if” became my mainstay, pretending to be as normal as possible to fit in, and it wasn’t until I found a need in the mental health sector, that I could obtain a purpose behind that performance, not just to “fit in” and find friends, but to help others who were somehow lost.

Everyone wants to become very good at what they do for the respect and accolades of their colleagues, peers, journal articles and the general public, however, the expectation is that you not abandon the continued research and dedicated review of best practice materials when you eventually become so good that you supervise and instruct others in their careers.

But where do you fall in all of that?

People like me tend to attract other people like me: experts (who do very good work for the case of humanity), but experts, who in someway often short-change themselves, overwork to their own detriment, neglect their personal relationships or deny themselves the common freedom that most people just take for granted when they are born into health and happiness.

So, I have looked at myself in the mirror, I have read many a tome of Gayle King, Oprah, Maya Angelou, bell hooks, Audrey Lorde, Jewel Kilcher and other brilliant woman thinkers, who have out-achieved me in the areas in which I wish to excel.

What have I discovered through all of this reflection and creative analysis, you may wonder?

Balance is key. Come home to yourself whilst exploring the outside world. Say no to some while saying yes to others; don’t abandon yourself in the hopes to appealing to more. Stay true to some things while at the same time, adaptive to influences that deserve your attention and respect.

My rage at the world right now parallels so many others. One of the greatest joys is connecting with my deceased father through art. A quiet man, highly intelligent and yet tormented by intermittent relational trauma, he found peace and self-expression through jazz, fiddle, classical and Irish penny whistle music. I have retained his songwriting and sight-reading abilities and honour those parts of himself — of both of us — he couldn’t give enough attention toward.

I am a methodical creative; I pay close attention to the world around me and have ditched the self-consciousness and self-censorship that wrecked my father’s ability to transmit love through his creative work. I find opportunities to “ship” my work, as Seth Godin would say, and allow the critics to receive it or reject it. That part isn’t up to me. I honor my father in superseding him in this way.

Love is all there is, it’s all that matters, it’s the conduit of universal power that unites us all. It is more real and lasting than money, fame, popularity, infamy, and even some marriages. Yes, that’s right, many marriages have an absence of love in them; I don’t think we must always categorize those as “good” or “bad,” they simply are. Many of us seek marriage as an important ritual to enhance our identity, social standing or sense of security in the world. There are 7 types of love that the Greeks captured, which I’ll continue to explore in my future articles.

For now, I’ll leave you with a link to a Father’s Day podcast I contributed my stories, voice (that’s me narrating it just after an hour in), and accompanying musical transitions (I’m learning how to make “beats” to accompany my more lyrical songs). Thanks to Theodore Lowry for highlighting my work.

Father’s Day Special on “Storypaths” podcast: https://open.substack.com/pub/storypaths/p/fathers-day-special?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

Remembering is a form of love; remembering fully, heartily, and with the broadest of scopes, is one of the highest forms of it.